questions.

dina and amir...kids; ain't it the life?
ihayat tune: for all the cows [foo fighters]

i'm back in jB after a lousy day today. i'm tired. my mind, my heart, my soul...my brain are all experienceing extreme fatigue. today i experienced a roadtrip from hell. today's event has lead to the statement that pushes me to get a job a.s.a.p...and put my D90 plans ON HOLD. fuck. I am now under extreme pressure.

i have also just gone through my 4th rejection from yet another oil and gas co. without even an opportunity for an interview. i didnt even pass that ONE interview for a position at a civil consultant firm which i thought went well. there's 30 or more companies that have yet to answer my applications.

i feel bad. i feel terrible. i feel like i'm a great burden. so now, i MUST try to get a job...ANY job in my stupid godforsaken field. not the ones ive been targeting. i can no longer chase my dreams, or do the things i want to do. instead, i must do the thing i've avoided to do for so long...settling for whatever is in my face. i have to wake up and smell the coffee...again. something ive been doing for the past 5 or so years while i hoped that the doors will finally open up for me once ive ended my academic journey. apparently not.

i have a bad feeling that this decision is going to cause me to experience the next part of my life's journey in deja vu where i settle for simplicity and i spend years hating it...like my uni. i'm starting to regret not listening to my heart and go to that other uni ive been dying to go to 4 years ago. seems like their graduates have more luck getting jobs. i must say i'm quite depressed today.

i had the opportunity to hang out with my senior Kak Elly in kL the night before and i realised that i havent talked to a person worth talking to for so long. everyone is busy working. or at least making their life's plans work while mine just screws up over and over again. i felt like part of the burden on my shoulders a tad bit lighter after that night hanging out. she listens. like all my good friends. but in my current environment; the people dont listen, they refuse to admit they're wrong, they like to find weakness in others and when u're down in the dumps they make it worse by criticising you.

i did consider post-grad but there is no way in hell am i going back to the uni. call me stubborn, ungrateful or whatever the hell you want. and he shud really stop telling me to do my masters and phd in the uni. it goes against everything i worked my ass off for to be away from it. i dont care if i have a phd or not. but like i said; i grew up in an environment filled with people who will only listen to the things they want to hear. because we are asians if u catch my drift. saying things like "i want to quit engineering and take a second degree in literature and be a writer" would be a death wish.

i'm trying to get myself overseas. but after opening up the latest issue of post-grad asia, i would need a minimum of RM40k-100k++++++++++++++[to infinity and beyond] per year for an M.Eng or an M.Sc...i went to MACEE to seek opportunities in the states. of course there are opportunities, but reality strikes once again that opportunities come with a massive price. the price of my car.

now i'm stuck. i don't know what to do. i really want that M.Eng in Offshore Structures or Ocean Engineering. but knowing my luck, there's a high likeliness that no one is going to give me funds to go. tommorow is probably not going to be any better than today. not until i find an answer.

rockin.

when will i spread my wings and fly away?

ihayat tune: burning of the midnight lamp [jimi hendrix]

effective 10th of next month it would be my second month of unemployment. again, it's not that i dont enjoy it...i do i really do. but the plans i have made do not seem to be falling into place. it worries me. i used to joke to my mum; "ma, what if finding a real job will be as difficult as the days i tried to get a part time job during the holidays?" it doesnt seem to be such a laughing matter now. i started to believe that i am a living breathing jinx. well at least my sister agrees. my love life sucks, i never get the things i want and now i cant even get into the career path ive planned for so long to join?

the least i expected to happen was to recieve calls. i can take rejections, but i'd prefer to be given the chance beforehand. i can tell you i have had only two calls which were merely for some training programme that will pay about RM1-1.5k per month, one of which does not involve engineering at all. so these two pretty much sums up to ZERO notable calls.

so whilst i wait, i am now working in the place i least prefer to work; my damned uni. doing what i always do during the holidays...research. i wont admit to liking doing what i have to do, but this time they're paying me well. very well indeed. the ONLY thing keeping me motivated to work there right now. lets just say in 2 months time i will be able to buy my own DSLR. an upgrade too! not those entry level ones (been there, done that) but a good intermediate to pro-ish one. PLUS, it wont be one i have to share with my sister or property of the wtf, itwill be something i OWN.

so far my options is another Nikon...a D90 maybe? i'm not even sure i'm worthy of a D90 (how do you know u're worthy???) but an upgrade would be nice. i am in awe of the sony alpa's swivel screen feature and its coolness and ergonomicness...i do know tht the Nikon offers the swivel screen on a D5000, but i think the D5000 is out of the picture. sony...sony sony sony...should i convert? SUGGESTIONS PLEASE! thank you.

among other things tht i plan to invest on (to please myself abt working at the damn uni) are:
- gym membership (yes i have been working hard with working out but i need the machines to keep me disciplined)
- killer oxfords...and lots of other shoes!
- a rock band set for the PS3 (woot~!)
- tonnes of books ive been wanting to read
- a bass guitar (still in planning stage)
- the expensive clothes i am forced to buy because cheap clothes wont fit me. seriously!
- zoom lens
- feel good stuff (spas, perfumes, accessories, manny peddy, etc.)
- new specs
- a new laptop maybe?

yeah seems a lot to put onto the wish list for an unemployed person yeah? hey! i'm a well paid research officer. very well paid. but it's not permanent. thats all. ha! oh, and it's a WISH list. so it doesnt necessarily mean tht it would actually come true.

jigsaw falling into place

bad timing.

ihayat tune: the lonesome death of hattie carroll [bob dylan]

it's been almost a whole month since i finished my studies at the uni and wahey~! i'm still unemployed. not to say that i don't cherish all the free time i have; indeed i do. i haven't felt this much enjoyment in not doing anything at all...living a life of no worries; no deadlines to meet, no one to impress, not having to rise early for a lengthy drive somewhere to do some monotonous task that will last me a good 5-10 years before i realise that "i'm better than that", no worrying about having to pay bills, not growing up really. :D

but i am quite penniless. and feeling a tad bit of guilt about spendin a whole bunch of my parent's cash when i should be making some of my own. so within the four weeks, i did do some job hunting. not with any luck so far. the major problem is, albeit being a civil engineering degree i dont want to be in the construction industry. at all. instead, i've trained myself to penetrate into the oil and gas industry. seems like its a little too much to ask for seeing the crappy economic situation and the fact that it is extremely competitive to get into the industry and i'm only graduating with a 3.35. but deep down i believe that if i set my mind on something, somehow things will fall into place eventually. so here i am being patient, optimistic and determined for my 1st real oil and gas job interview [if ever].

sad as it may sound, the most exciting thing to have happen to me so far is...*drumroll* spring cleaning. *cymbal* i have finally picked up the broom and the duster and spent the last two days filling up 2 massive binbags with junk. my room has been a store for antiques that have been collected since my days in england. i have a bad habit of keeping EVERYTHING. among interesting things that i found during this spring cleaning were a collection of spice girls chocolate wrapper [lol], a bunch of my old specs; there were almost 15 of em seeing that i've been wearing specs since i was 10, classic monopoly game pieces...yes the terrier, boat, shoe and iron, a photo of a younger me in michigan [i'm saving this pic for a special occasion...u'll see soon enough] AND most importantly; my missing SPM result slip. yay!

i weirdly admit that i was able to finally let go of my junk due to facebook. the main reason why i had trouble letting go of the stuff from england [such as xmas cards, birthday gifts, etc] were because i wanted to have something to remember loughborough friends by. what if one day i forget their names? but thanks to the great world of technology, i got in touch with them again. it's good to know they still remember me.

spring cleaning is extremely tiring and i have a sinus problem where i get all feverish, sneezy and runny in the presence of dust...i hate it. but once it is done i gain a sense of satisfaction. i have less stuff [this time it's a total clutter-free bedroom], i have a lot of new space and i can breathe. i realise that the older i get, the more minimal i am when it comes to furniture. and one thing for sure, i am relieved i finally got rid of this hideous maroon dressing table have in my room that i've loathed since the day my mum bought it...which was almost 10 years ago. damn, time flies so fast.

i'm glad it's all done tho because i'll be hittin kL on sunday, flying to Surabaya on Monday, flying back to kL on wednesday, going to an interview at Jalan Sultan Ismail on thursday, and i'm planning to stay in kL until saturday because i want go to afeeq's wedding with aida then. so expect me to hunt you kL people down if i get bored. :D shit i have to start PLANNING my packing.

social experiment

woof
ihayat tune: down boy [yeah3]

i am a dog. lets put it this way. i am man's best friend. in elementary school i was stephen's best friend, in high school i was pretty close to dhaval and reece not to mention fikri. then matriculation...lets see...there was arif, hafiz and amit; to them i'm practically a dude. not much difference in uni too, i have very few girl best friends...i am almost always surrounded by men. men whom are still dear and close to me. but never, among these line of men in my life, not ever have i ended up with a boyfriend.

according to statistics; i'm reliable, dependable, loyal, nice, smart, funny, witty, intelligent, blah blah blah all the stuff u use to describe ugly/fat girls. think movie clichés. think my best friend's wedding, four wedding's and a funeral, kuch kuch hota hai dammit. true these are all clichés, but i can relate to jules [mbfw] and fiona [4w1f]. in my reality i am that girl who gets with the guys but never gets the guy. which leads to the worse part about being man's best friend; when u fall for them. well one actually.

jules and fiona

this is the guy; despite your being different from other girls, who tells you to be urself no matter what others say, the person who is there after every heart break that tells you there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. the one who tells you how lucky a guy would be to be with a person like u and what they're missing out on by not being with me. the first name that pops up in your head whenever u have good news, bad news or when u have no news. the person who will immediately respond. need i say more?

but life doesn't promise a happy ending. albeit having pulled a fiona; i am still a dog. i hit the ball and got stuck in a killer sand pit in the middle of the Par 3 course. as simple as a Par 3 may seem, there are so many ways that fate can be written. mine in this case caused the ball to fly off in the direction of the rough, bounced off a tree, hit a duck in the pond, bounced onto a bald man's head who died upon impact and ended up in the pit in front of him. there are 2 possible ways to move on:

1. let go off the guy. [let tiger whack the ball back out onto the green]
2. open up to another guy. [take golfing lessons from tiger]

now, solution #1 would be the best solution but it would involve a lot of complications i cant even begin to describe. so we head on to solution #2. the problem with this is, well have i mentioned that i always end up as the guy's best friend? so i had to figure out where i went wrong. popular suggestions are...*drumroll* dumb urself down. not in those exact words, but that's what it literally meant. in this new millenium i never thought we were still living in a world where a woman is burnt at the stakes for being a smart ass.

a shallow solution but i have not opened up myself or my heart to anyone else since...well, none other than this particular best friend. and i strongly feel that in order to move on i have to resort to #2...with different strategies. i'm extremely plain. i'm not pretty, i have no time for makeup, i dont embrace my "curves", i go out in tshirts n jeans all the time, i dont have an assortment of colourful shoes/jewelery/handbags to match every outfit or go to salons to get my hair done/treated, i dont have daddy issues and i am most definitely not cute or charming or ayu as the malays say it that can make your heart melt at first sight.

and yet, i am considered to be intimidating. i know too much for my own good, most of my closest friends are guys [and straight mind you], i own a lot of gadgets that most guys would dream of having [i play the ps2, psp, ps3, etc u name it! not so very typical malay girl no?], i think girls owning gadgets but knowing shit about the fundamentals of its existence are ignorant and i'd marry a guy in this country who knows pablo neruda or che guevara [i despise people wearing che guevara tshirts and not knowing who he is; which suprisingly in this country, comprises of most people i meet]...and above all i am not a damsel in distress. i figure out my own problems.

seeing that all of the above is a violation to the law of attraction, i will try to be a different me. why be myself when it can lead to me ending up as another susan boyle? at least she's got a voice to redeem herself. what do i have? brains? bah humbug. feed them to the dogs.

Funeral Blues

A poem recited by Matthew [John Hannah] at his best friend, Gareth's [Simon Callow] funeral in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral. A beautiful choice indeed.

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum... Read more
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden

take five.

tortoro face
ihayat tune: U2 - the sweetest thing

5 Most Favorite Foods
1. pizza
2. pasta
3. seafood
4. chocolate
5. sambal tumis, sambal belacan, sambal tempoyak, etc.

5 Things I Love Doing
1. taking pictures of the world
2. driving while the ipod's on shuffle songs mode
3. eating.
4. hangin with my friends
5. reading, writing, thinking...too much.

5 Things I Do When I'm EMO
1. find coffee
2. eat cake [shyt i want cheesecake]
3. talk to my friends.
4. wear dark makeup?
5. lose the ability to do anything productive.

5 Things I Love Doing When I'm Happy
1. er...eat.
2. sleep.
3. watch tv.
4. not much
5. really

5 Things I Want To Happen
1. belaja main bass [apes ko nk jd sifu aku x? i pomise i'll be good]
2. get a bloody job.
3. that pays well.
4. make bandung an annual trip
5. get a new DSLR.

5 Most Addictive songs
1. The Cure - Just Like Heaven
2. Against Me - Holy Shit
3. Foo Fighters - Hey, Johnny Park!
4. Incubus - Antigravity Love Song
5. U2 - The Sweetest Thing

5 People I Wish To tag
people who wished they were tagged.

flickrey flick flop

the Nikon D60 and a bapak's retro SB-26

ihayat tune: jai ho!
[without the damn pussycat dolls messing up the song]

i have a flickr account. did you know? it is not a pro-account, it is not that interesting , i don't have time to learn photoshop [i do now] and it has not been updated for a long while. most of my pics go into my facebook profile anyways. but i do promise i will update it soon with all this sudden rush of free time.

photography these days, seem to be a trend that grows without an ultimate limit state. but hear my words, i did not get into it due to the overrated "indie" fedora-wearing-i-am-an-artsy-fartsy-rich-kid-who-can-afford-a-dslr-hence-i-am-cool-like-the-kids-in-KAMI trend. i loathe those who think i am "indie". it annoys me. i prefer hindi thank you very much. jai ho!

i have been into photography since before dslr's were reasonably priced. before i could even dream of touching a dslr, i had a Nikon S200 point and shoot which in my opinion works like crap. i think my 2mpx cameraphone was more reliable than the damn S200. but a few lucky occasions have given me great shots worth sharing anyways [especially when i figured photog basics]. i had little to none basic photography knowledge but i enjoy capturing the moment. anywhere, anytime. it is another form of sketching for me; since life in the uni fail to inspire me to create the way i used to when given a pencil and a paper.

the first time i held a dslr was during redza's convo sometimes in march 2008. my dad told me to experiment with his D60 since he doesn't have the time to. the joy and excitement! it was a dream come true. and to my suprise, that very day i bumped into my senior ejad with a D40x. he has been my master ever since and i am his lowly padawan [it is forbidden for a jedi to fall in love hence that is why i am still single].

23/03/08
rookie days~ he likes to think he's taller than me

25/04/09
older, wiser, fatter [both of us], different hair...
but with new toys!

a year have passed on by and i guess my skills have improved slightly...i think. one thing for sure, i am still looking for myself in this vast world of photography. but this search for the inner-self finally found a sense of light and direction when i found him. the man my super senior kak elly calls wan kacuk. i've read of his name a lot in kak elly's blogposts but was never aware that he is a professional wedding photographer. i looked through his work on his site and oh my have i fallen in love with his work. even better, he is also a super senior in my course.

I
.
.
.
LOVE
.
.
.
WEDDINGS.

once upon a time, i wanted to be a wedding dress designer + planner. i worship vera wang. dont believe me? ask my friends from loughborough. see how many of them have booked me to design their wedding dress. my entrepeneurship project in uni revolved around wedding planning. but what really pisses me off is that wedding photo packages in malaysia are expensive, and yet the photos are extremely CHEESY. not to mention the bad makeup, bad dress fittings, bad colour choice, low quality materials and oh so ugly shoes...

but upon seeing wan kacuk's work, my confidence in wedding photos [especially local] have been revived. his work is everything i wish i could capture. the smiles, the movement, the emotion, the suspense, the dynamics, the drama and more importantly; the love. and all of it; au naturale. he not only work his magic in wedding photos, but he managed to capture the world in its real nature in his other projects as well. check out some of his work here.

this is what i want to do...no, not take wedding photos [ocassionally yes], but capture real emotions in real time. things that can never happen the same way again. in my own words, i'd call it a snowflake photo. fact >>> no two snowflakes are the same. and once it melts, it is gone forever. so i would like to freeze it forever so that it would never be forgotten.

i hope one day i can sit down and talk to the man himself. the man who have inspired me. thank you. :)

the fat lady sang. almost.

25.03.09 apes' convo
ihayat tune: declare independence [bjork]

as of 11.30am yesterday, the 6th of May 2009 i have officially ended my studies at the uni. well it aint over til the fat lady sings, where in my case; when i sing the uni's anthem in the hall duirng my convovation. in fact it aint over til it's been confirmed that i've passed every single subject ive taken this semester.

well, with an A for Construction Law and Contracts and A+ for Construction Project Management [my dad's subject yay!] so far, and the fact that i have never failed a subject before [the worst ive gotten ever is C+ for subjects i really really hate] i'm being extremely optimistic about things...because i don't want to spend another semester in that uni. not ever.

so my coming plans? well for one thing, my first thoughts when i stepped out of the exam hall was "iman, time to sleep". so i am going to take the rest of May off relaxing and chillin out before i enter the world of employment. away from the worries of getting something done on time, away from the worries of getting up on time to get to class after a sleepless night and more importantly, away from the uni. don't worry, job hunting is in the plan too.

my classmates of four years ended our journey by having a little bbq faculty last night. the food was good, the night was alright despite me not being too close to most of them due to our differences. but i was mortified after being told that we each have to give a goodbye speech. i had nothing nice to say and i was in a i-speak-my-mind kinda mood. and the one who we call "loudmouth" was really getting to my head screeching next to me. i was afraid i'd make her cry. so i left. without saying goodbye to anyone. no one worth saying goodbye to anyways. damn i feel like an ice queen.

that aside, i'm just glad it's over. on to the real world.

some good news for once

NON-LINEAR SEISMIC ANALYSIS OF
FIXED OFFSHORE STRUCTURES






IMAN HAYAT BINTI MOHAMAD IBRAHIM






A project report in partial fulfilment of
the requirements for the award of the degree of
Bachelor of Engineering (Civil)





Faculty of Civil Engineering
Universiti Teknologi Malaysia





APRIL 2009





completed...at long last!

mental breakdown

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
ihayat tune: virtual insanity; jamiroquai

ok temporary mental breakdown. i dont think ive gotten anywhere with my RE-ANALYSIS of my structure since....

1. i dont get this whole "hinge" assginment thing. i dont think a few days is sufficient to understand the fundamentals of hinges on steel structures.

2. i have a paper on the 28th, 4th and 6th. submission of thesis is due on the 4th.

3. the paper on the 4th is my father's subject which i PLAN to focus on and score. but i cant seem to picture how i can focus in this state of mind.

4. simply no mood since i assumed my write up was DONE. but apparently it wasnt enough.

5. i'm too bothered by all this so i end up staring into space and keep starting from scratch.

6. i am no longer stressed. i am DEPRESSED. everytime sth thesis related goes wrong i start weeping. not a healthy sign. mariana had to call me [and hear ugly crying] after i cursed my fingers off on messenger. tq for taking my shit and my shitload of cursing.

7. this whole fucking hinge assignment thing just wont fucking work on the fucking software! "error reading hinge results", "error assigning hinge data", "error error error"...fuck you hinge. why did it suddenly have to be part of my results and analysis??? the way i see it it's not that significant. waaaay beyond my scope.

8. i dont give a shit, i can and i will spend saturday doing nonproductive activities.

9. the part i hate the most is, i cant stop trying to complete it. by hook or by crook i must complete my new analysis and write up. when i don't, i simply cant sleep, cant eat or think straight.

back to fucking work.