breathe in...and never breathe out.

young folks

ihayat tune: Roses [OutKast]

See that creature there round the corner? I thought i'd be living most part of my life looking like that. Some stroke of fate lead me to what i have been going through the past 3 months. 3 months that has finally set some of life's uncertainties in stone;

1. Engineering IS my thing.

2. Consulting is NOT.

3. NOTHING will change this. NOTHING.

Its only a matter of time before I close this chapter in life to move on to the next. I'm thinking January. Funny that my initial plan was to try it for a year, then it reduced to 6 months, and now i'm planning to say good bye on my 4th month.

the issue? ever wondered why the last time i updated my blog was 2 months ago? i had absolutely no time to do anything. and by anything; all i do is work, eat, work, sleep and work. and work probably takes up 2/3 of my life where 1/6 is spent sleeping and the other 1/6 is spent eating.

Note that before you say, "oh any job is like that" true, but what matters at the end of the day is self satisfaction and throughout the bloody day you ENJOY what you do. in fact, i dont think anyone is enjoying it currently. and it drives me crazier that now i'm talking to contractors, but not because i'm doing construction/development related work with them.

So, is it me making rash decisions to soon? NO. please dont give me that shit. i am as sure as hell i belong in a physically and mentally challenging environment. spending your days thinking that you've made the biggest mistake of your life is NOT a way to live the remainders of my life. that i am definitely sure of.

life after graduation

my convo - when it rains, it pours.
jimi hendrix - rainy day, dream away

it's been 2 months into the new job now. during the 1st month i lived in that ghetto apartment in wangsa maju i stayed at during intern and planned to move into my parent's place in wangsa melawati once the tenants get out. but to my dismay, the agent found another tenant to move in so yeah...i was pretty much kicked out of my own house.

i panicked at first; knowing that i need to find another place in a totally unfamiliar environment. not to mention that houses/apartment/condos in damansara cost a bomb to rent. to my luck i found a good apartment so near to the workplace and cheap too. hence ur msHayat have moved into desa mutiara apartments. [pay me a visit sometimes]

i admit though, getting by on my own is not a pretty picture. ive always been in an environment where no matter where i go, even if alone, the people and places around me are familiar. as ili has mentioned; when in jB, everyone knows everyone else. no matter how distant the relationship is. it's true. Upon my arrival in jB a few hours ago, i headed straight to the ayam penyet restaurant near home for dinner. and the lady at the cashier asked me, "baru balik kak?". yes, even the ayam penyet lady knows me. THIS is my comfort zone.

now i'm alone and lost in a sea of people, annoying posers, endless highways, shopping malls, expensive food and lost in the attempt to find the right fancy coffee shop to claim as my new escapism. not happening just yet. probably because i moved in during the month of Ramadhan and havent yet found time to settle down properly. living alone can do things to you. like giving me the urge to find a boyfriend to boss around...pronto. haha. but i think a new dslr would do just fine. it's just a matter of WHEN can i finally afford one. at least it'll keep my weekends occupied.

so far eid has been...HOT. literally. i get migrains when i drive in the sun. i want to wear my shades even at night. D: it has been somewhat interesting though. from raya-ing in singapore to ady's place to eating homegrown watermelons at my mum's kampung in klang to a beatles rockband marathon with the goodbye boys to the best javanese lunch at ejad's and out of sole boredom today; i decided to drive back to jB...after a short lunch date with a handsome cowok surabaya that is [jgn kembang lebih2 ok farid :P] a psychedelic journey with hendrix in just under 3 hours before i arrived home. i got another weekend to enjoy my holidays and it's back to work...work work work.

little bunga api experiment with the camera

to be a rock and not to roll

feeling high

destination...future.

shot in surabaya international airport by Iman Sofea M.I.

iman = faith ; hayat = life
ihayat tune: Those Anarcho Punks Are Mysterious… [against me]

As a Muslim I have been taught of the Rukun Iman or the Six Articles of Belief; where the last of the six is "having faith towards qada and qadar". As far as my knowledge goes on this matter [and please correct me if i'm wrong or elaborate s'il vous plait], it is to have faith in the destiny that has already been written out for us [a.k.a predestination] by Allah S.W.T and accepting as well as making the best out of it.

I understand that it is quite unlike me to write of spiritual topics, but I would like to relate this with my current situation. For the past few years, I have shared in some parts of my blog the dilemas that I have gone through having had taken civil engineering and not quite having the heart for it. Ever since high school, I have always wanted to take a less technical course such as journalism, law or literature. But I must admit, I've always had the brains for science, math and physics ever since I was a wee lass.

Then the experience I had during my industrial training last year opened up my eyes towards the Oil and Gas Industry; to which I found myself extremely interested to learn and develop myself in. I had never been so passionate about something so...engineering. Hence, I began to model my future towards this industry. I took the subject Offshore Structures to widen my scope in the industry as well as worked my bum off to the extent of sleep deprivation and depression on my thesis which focused entirely on offshore structures and analysing it using a finite element software. A skill most civil engineers are not quite knowledgeable about until they get themselves into practise and are forced to use such software.

But, I had to graduate right when the recession is at its peak. Trying to get a job was frustrating especially in the Oil and Gas industry. To date, I only had 2 interviews [which were both civil construction/consultant] out of more than 40 applications [mostly oil and gas]; one of which I didnt make the cut and the other I went to and got the job but I had to reject because I DO NOT want to be an assistant site engineer in a crummy site in Taman Molek that pays only 1800rm and guarantees that you'll be at the site beyond humane hours. As aforementioned, I don't really have the heart for civil engineering and/or construction for that matter.

Along the way, there was a "cross of paths", "twist of fate", whatever u may call it; but I'd like to call it my predestination. An application I sent to a "contact" who supposedly was supposed to help me obtain a job in my desired field somehow I think was impressed by my command of language and communication skills despite coming from an engineering background. Hence I was up for an interview for a position at the firm. 3 interviews and 2 tests later [there was a personality test that said my personality was INVALID O___O] I got the job at this firm as a Business Analyst effective of 3rd August 2009 in Damansara Uptown.

So yeah, I gots me a job. And I'm going to do my best at adapting to a whole new field, environment and skills. It amazes me how my fate and destiny is written with so many twist and turns and yet here I am still standing. Alhamdulillah.

PS: There is another part of my life that I am finally begining to fully accept and i am ready move on. This may be the 2nd time I'm telling this to myself but I'm just going to wait and see what [or WHO to be more precise] is in store for me. Isn't it nice to see me all positive for once? :D

scripts 101

mcLovin is legendary. hahaha

february stars - foo fighters

hazzaaaaaH! [sounding like mcLovin in role model teehee] for there is a movie far worse than the latest hairy plopper...it is called SKRIP TUJUH TUJUH JADAH JADAH. i dont remember actually. as mentioned in my fb status, the movie made potter feel like a vegas experience. it was supposedly a horror flick but i laughed most of the time. i hate the director of this movie. i hate all of his movies and his self-centred full of shit cameos in his own movies. one day he'll probably scream YOU CAN DOOO IT! in one of his cameos just so he can declare himself as a "unique" gemilanglander. i want to slap him in the face with my flip flops so he can get some sense into his mindless head. end.

but, ili mesti kagum dan bangga knowing that i watched a local horror flick...without her. lol. just so u know ili, aku layankan je sebab ejad nak check out the new MBO. ok? tht was the earliest movie yg available. lain2 start lambat. nanti kau balik tmn u for konvo kita tgk cerita melayu hantu lain plak yeah? heheh. cerita senario yg baru tu ke...[that would be like dragging me to hell while i anchor myself with my hands till my fingernails falls off and i am still hanging on with my bloody fleshy fingers. hey i write a better horror script than that crappy director.]

i had a nice day tho. its been a while since i last spent my weekend with friends. so watching the movie was an interesting [in a wierd way] end to my hectic day. settled my certs and achievements record, got lost in tun aminah finding this dude's place who sold his guitar hero guitar to arif, getting lost suddenly brought me to jb, picked up my sister's find-the-bunny-in-JUNK prize at Roost [for a magazine tht preaches "rare" and "indie" sounds, they pretty much gave her crappy mainstream tak laku CD's - busta rhyme, ashanti, juanos, robin thicke and sergio mendes], had a late lunch MSG fried rice with ejad at IT Roo, looked for lights for his new rented place, went back to tun aminah to look for the guitar hero dude's place, hung out at red island cafe with ejad n his friend, watched the movie and pack for tommorow's trip.

what i DIDN'T do was prepare myself mentally for monday's interview. i dont even know HOW to prepare. wish me luck.

hair reporter and the bloody prince

doo doo do do doo...do doo...do doo
[doo in tune with the potter theme]

this review contains a large amount of spoilers and may piss harry potter fans off. please take note that although i have read many books in my days, i did not read any of the books in the Potter series. my intentions are purely to comment on the quality of the story as a MOVIE and not at all in the same way i cursed twilight to hell. twilight is just plain shitty.
[haha i couldnt resist :P]

seeing that the Giant in my housing area had just recently opened an MBO cinema, i decided to test and see wether i could watch a "highly anticipated" movie on its first day in peace. and what a peaceful endeavor indeed. i manage to purchase the FIRST three tickets for the 5.15pm screening yesterday.

first of all, a little review on MBO. Good for those who cant be bothered to drive all the way to City Square in JB and pay for ridiculous parking fares or go even further to Jusco Tebrau City thru the Pasir Gudang highway for cheap parking. It is still new, so no strange odour travelling through the air to put us in despair, the screens aren't too clear but fair [if u want good quality movies, buy bluray and bring it over to my place muahaha], the seats are a little uncomfortable and it is overcrowded with sniffling kids from my uni. cheap tickets tho...9rm for harry potter on its first day of screening whilst other cinemas sell the tickets for 12rm. :P

harry potter started of pretty much the same way any other potter movie starts off; a dark alley where dark things happens, harry goes to ron's house, meets up with hermione and ron, a little trouble with ron's twin brothers, u see hermione's cat, train ride to hogwarts, harry pisses off draco, draco is bitter with harry, luna's still wierd...tra la la~ annnnd they are back in hogwarts.

then the next part is pretty much like any other potter movie too; they eat in the hall, moving pictures, the teachers announce tht something terrible is going to happen, no one gives a shit, they announce a new person in the school, people still dont give a shit, ron and harry have a whispering session in their dorms, ron and hermoine have a complicated relationship, harry like a girl, a girl likes harry, they go to class, someone impresses the professor, draco is still sneaky, theres a game of quidditch and the only significant difference between this potter and the last few potter is that there is a hell of a lot of snogging going on. sigh...british teenagers. reminds me of angus, thongs and the perfect snogging. lol.

as usual, a series of mysterious happenings begin to occur where draco is always a prime suspect, and dumbledore tells potter another portion of voldemort's dark past and asks harry to help him out with something, they get in a rut, the bad guys come around, there is the element of unscertainty about snape; is he evil? is he good? and the rest does not make sense. well it did make some sense, only because i strived to stay in the cinema for 2.5 hours waiting for something to happen. but nothing happened. most part of the story that took half an hour to tell could have only taken a simple 5-10 minutes. seriously.

honestly, there were some pretty good information in the movie that has succeeded in building up suspense in order to make people want to know what happens next. but the way the information were given out simply dissapoints. there was too much crap about ron and hermione and what the hell happened to dumbledore's hand??? i mean i know now since i asked theeba [who loves the potter series but was equally dissapointed with the movie] about it, but they failed to explain in the movie.

and theres the part with draco and the magic wardrobe/closet thing. he kept pulling the blanket off the thing and puts stuff innit and the stuff comes back and he does it over and over again. but i was not sure wether it was a flashback, or did it happen following time sequence or whatever. only in the end did i understand tht he was fixing the damn thing. again, this was poorly portrayed and only those who have read the book would actually know what the hell was going on.

and who the hell is the half blood prince? actually we find out towards the end of the movie. but if the movie is called Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince shouldn't they focus more on these two? i know potter was obsessed with the 0.5 blood prince's potion book...but thts as far as the 0.5 blood prince goes. why does he call himself the "0.5 blood prince"? since there are so many memories to look at why dont we delve into the memory of the 0.5 blood prince. take a break from voldemort's memory for a while. it wasnt so shocking when i found out who he is, but i sure as hell would like to know why. well, i know now because my sister told me. she read the book i think.

well, lets just say tht in terms of suspense development, they did a good job. i want to know what happens next. character development mostly shit; too much time wasted on ron and hermione. i'm beginning to wonder wether emma watson and whatshisname nag the producers to pay more attention to their characters. the series is called HARRY POTTER. not RON AND HERMIONE. the story as a whole sucks and yet i gained somewhat good information to look forward to the next movie. congratulations boys, u wasted my time this time and most probably next time too.

chop suey

i have a job interview on monday the 20th, but it is non-engineering. it will be my final evaluation after the past 2 interviews i went thru to get to this point. its an extremely big company; it's just that it is not engineering based. but if i do get this job, well its a jump start to a career i never thought that i would ever get into. its worth a try i guess.

yesterday i experienced a panic attack and believed that i am "cursed" or as the chinese say suey. i had a long conversation about this with my mum. convincing her that i do have suey from my never existing love life to my career to the littlest things like losing my voice on the day of my thesis viva and getting it back the very next day. maybe i need to mandi bunga. haha. dont worry i'm not that superstitious

as i was telling her this, 2 ravens flew into the air and one of them, which i think is drunk, flew too low and smashed itself on my windshield. there was a loud cracking sound, but fortunately it was not my windshield. unfortunately for the bird, i think it was the cracking of its skull. i dont know what happened to the bird. i drove on.

so yeah, i'm pretty freaked out.

questions.

dina and amir...kids; ain't it the life?
ihayat tune: for all the cows [foo fighters]

i'm back in jB after a lousy day today. i'm tired. my mind, my heart, my soul...my brain are all experienceing extreme fatigue. today i experienced a roadtrip from hell. today's event has lead to the statement that pushes me to get a job a.s.a.p...and put my D90 plans ON HOLD. fuck. I am now under extreme pressure.

i have also just gone through my 4th rejection from yet another oil and gas co. without even an opportunity for an interview. i didnt even pass that ONE interview for a position at a civil consultant firm which i thought went well. there's 30 or more companies that have yet to answer my applications.

i feel bad. i feel terrible. i feel like i'm a great burden. so now, i MUST try to get a job...ANY job in my stupid godforsaken field. not the ones ive been targeting. i can no longer chase my dreams, or do the things i want to do. instead, i must do the thing i've avoided to do for so long...settling for whatever is in my face. i have to wake up and smell the coffee...again. something ive been doing for the past 5 or so years while i hoped that the doors will finally open up for me once ive ended my academic journey. apparently not.

i have a bad feeling that this decision is going to cause me to experience the next part of my life's journey in deja vu where i settle for simplicity and i spend years hating it...like my uni. i'm starting to regret not listening to my heart and go to that other uni ive been dying to go to 4 years ago. seems like their graduates have more luck getting jobs. i must say i'm quite depressed today.

i had the opportunity to hang out with my senior Kak Elly in kL the night before and i realised that i havent talked to a person worth talking to for so long. everyone is busy working. or at least making their life's plans work while mine just screws up over and over again. i felt like part of the burden on my shoulders a tad bit lighter after that night hanging out. she listens. like all my good friends. but in my current environment; the people dont listen, they refuse to admit they're wrong, they like to find weakness in others and when u're down in the dumps they make it worse by criticising you.

i did consider post-grad but there is no way in hell am i going back to the uni. call me stubborn, ungrateful or whatever the hell you want. and he shud really stop telling me to do my masters and phd in the uni. it goes against everything i worked my ass off for to be away from it. i dont care if i have a phd or not. but like i said; i grew up in an environment filled with people who will only listen to the things they want to hear. because we are asians if u catch my drift. saying things like "i want to quit engineering and take a second degree in literature and be a writer" would be a death wish.

i'm trying to get myself overseas. but after opening up the latest issue of post-grad asia, i would need a minimum of RM40k-100k++++++++++++++[to infinity and beyond] per year for an M.Eng or an M.Sc...i went to MACEE to seek opportunities in the states. of course there are opportunities, but reality strikes once again that opportunities come with a massive price. the price of my car.

now i'm stuck. i don't know what to do. i really want that M.Eng in Offshore Structures or Ocean Engineering. but knowing my luck, there's a high likeliness that no one is going to give me funds to go. tommorow is probably not going to be any better than today. not until i find an answer.

rockin.

when will i spread my wings and fly away?

ihayat tune: burning of the midnight lamp [jimi hendrix]

effective 10th of next month it would be my second month of unemployment. again, it's not that i dont enjoy it...i do i really do. but the plans i have made do not seem to be falling into place. it worries me. i used to joke to my mum; "ma, what if finding a real job will be as difficult as the days i tried to get a part time job during the holidays?" it doesnt seem to be such a laughing matter now. i started to believe that i am a living breathing jinx. well at least my sister agrees. my love life sucks, i never get the things i want and now i cant even get into the career path ive planned for so long to join?

the least i expected to happen was to recieve calls. i can take rejections, but i'd prefer to be given the chance beforehand. i can tell you i have had only two calls which were merely for some training programme that will pay about RM1-1.5k per month, one of which does not involve engineering at all. so these two pretty much sums up to ZERO notable calls.

so whilst i wait, i am now working in the place i least prefer to work; my damned uni. doing what i always do during the holidays...research. i wont admit to liking doing what i have to do, but this time they're paying me well. very well indeed. the ONLY thing keeping me motivated to work there right now. lets just say in 2 months time i will be able to buy my own DSLR. an upgrade too! not those entry level ones (been there, done that) but a good intermediate to pro-ish one. PLUS, it wont be one i have to share with my sister or property of the wtf, itwill be something i OWN.

so far my options is another Nikon...a D90 maybe? i'm not even sure i'm worthy of a D90 (how do you know u're worthy???) but an upgrade would be nice. i am in awe of the sony alpa's swivel screen feature and its coolness and ergonomicness...i do know tht the Nikon offers the swivel screen on a D5000, but i think the D5000 is out of the picture. sony...sony sony sony...should i convert? SUGGESTIONS PLEASE! thank you.

among other things tht i plan to invest on (to please myself abt working at the damn uni) are:
- gym membership (yes i have been working hard with working out but i need the machines to keep me disciplined)
- killer oxfords...and lots of other shoes!
- a rock band set for the PS3 (woot~!)
- tonnes of books ive been wanting to read
- a bass guitar (still in planning stage)
- the expensive clothes i am forced to buy because cheap clothes wont fit me. seriously!
- zoom lens
- feel good stuff (spas, perfumes, accessories, manny peddy, etc.)
- new specs
- a new laptop maybe?

yeah seems a lot to put onto the wish list for an unemployed person yeah? hey! i'm a well paid research officer. very well paid. but it's not permanent. thats all. ha! oh, and it's a WISH list. so it doesnt necessarily mean tht it would actually come true.

jigsaw falling into place

bad timing.

ihayat tune: the lonesome death of hattie carroll [bob dylan]

it's been almost a whole month since i finished my studies at the uni and wahey~! i'm still unemployed. not to say that i don't cherish all the free time i have; indeed i do. i haven't felt this much enjoyment in not doing anything at all...living a life of no worries; no deadlines to meet, no one to impress, not having to rise early for a lengthy drive somewhere to do some monotonous task that will last me a good 5-10 years before i realise that "i'm better than that", no worrying about having to pay bills, not growing up really. :D

but i am quite penniless. and feeling a tad bit of guilt about spendin a whole bunch of my parent's cash when i should be making some of my own. so within the four weeks, i did do some job hunting. not with any luck so far. the major problem is, albeit being a civil engineering degree i dont want to be in the construction industry. at all. instead, i've trained myself to penetrate into the oil and gas industry. seems like its a little too much to ask for seeing the crappy economic situation and the fact that it is extremely competitive to get into the industry and i'm only graduating with a 3.35. but deep down i believe that if i set my mind on something, somehow things will fall into place eventually. so here i am being patient, optimistic and determined for my 1st real oil and gas job interview [if ever].

sad as it may sound, the most exciting thing to have happen to me so far is...*drumroll* spring cleaning. *cymbal* i have finally picked up the broom and the duster and spent the last two days filling up 2 massive binbags with junk. my room has been a store for antiques that have been collected since my days in england. i have a bad habit of keeping EVERYTHING. among interesting things that i found during this spring cleaning were a collection of spice girls chocolate wrapper [lol], a bunch of my old specs; there were almost 15 of em seeing that i've been wearing specs since i was 10, classic monopoly game pieces...yes the terrier, boat, shoe and iron, a photo of a younger me in michigan [i'm saving this pic for a special occasion...u'll see soon enough] AND most importantly; my missing SPM result slip. yay!

i weirdly admit that i was able to finally let go of my junk due to facebook. the main reason why i had trouble letting go of the stuff from england [such as xmas cards, birthday gifts, etc] were because i wanted to have something to remember loughborough friends by. what if one day i forget their names? but thanks to the great world of technology, i got in touch with them again. it's good to know they still remember me.

spring cleaning is extremely tiring and i have a sinus problem where i get all feverish, sneezy and runny in the presence of dust...i hate it. but once it is done i gain a sense of satisfaction. i have less stuff [this time it's a total clutter-free bedroom], i have a lot of new space and i can breathe. i realise that the older i get, the more minimal i am when it comes to furniture. and one thing for sure, i am relieved i finally got rid of this hideous maroon dressing table have in my room that i've loathed since the day my mum bought it...which was almost 10 years ago. damn, time flies so fast.

i'm glad it's all done tho because i'll be hittin kL on sunday, flying to Surabaya on Monday, flying back to kL on wednesday, going to an interview at Jalan Sultan Ismail on thursday, and i'm planning to stay in kL until saturday because i want go to afeeq's wedding with aida then. so expect me to hunt you kL people down if i get bored. :D shit i have to start PLANNING my packing.

social experiment

woof
ihayat tune: down boy [yeah3]

i am a dog. lets put it this way. i am man's best friend. in elementary school i was stephen's best friend, in high school i was pretty close to dhaval and reece not to mention fikri. then matriculation...lets see...there was arif, hafiz and amit; to them i'm practically a dude. not much difference in uni too, i have very few girl best friends...i am almost always surrounded by men. men whom are still dear and close to me. but never, among these line of men in my life, not ever have i ended up with a boyfriend.

according to statistics; i'm reliable, dependable, loyal, nice, smart, funny, witty, intelligent, blah blah blah all the stuff u use to describe ugly/fat girls. think movie clichés. think my best friend's wedding, four wedding's and a funeral, kuch kuch hota hai dammit. true these are all clichés, but i can relate to jules [mbfw] and fiona [4w1f]. in my reality i am that girl who gets with the guys but never gets the guy. which leads to the worse part about being man's best friend; when u fall for them. well one actually.

jules and fiona

this is the guy; despite your being different from other girls, who tells you to be urself no matter what others say, the person who is there after every heart break that tells you there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. the one who tells you how lucky a guy would be to be with a person like u and what they're missing out on by not being with me. the first name that pops up in your head whenever u have good news, bad news or when u have no news. the person who will immediately respond. need i say more?

but life doesn't promise a happy ending. albeit having pulled a fiona; i am still a dog. i hit the ball and got stuck in a killer sand pit in the middle of the Par 3 course. as simple as a Par 3 may seem, there are so many ways that fate can be written. mine in this case caused the ball to fly off in the direction of the rough, bounced off a tree, hit a duck in the pond, bounced onto a bald man's head who died upon impact and ended up in the pit in front of him. there are 2 possible ways to move on:

1. let go off the guy. [let tiger whack the ball back out onto the green]
2. open up to another guy. [take golfing lessons from tiger]

now, solution #1 would be the best solution but it would involve a lot of complications i cant even begin to describe. so we head on to solution #2. the problem with this is, well have i mentioned that i always end up as the guy's best friend? so i had to figure out where i went wrong. popular suggestions are...*drumroll* dumb urself down. not in those exact words, but that's what it literally meant. in this new millenium i never thought we were still living in a world where a woman is burnt at the stakes for being a smart ass.

a shallow solution but i have not opened up myself or my heart to anyone else since...well, none other than this particular best friend. and i strongly feel that in order to move on i have to resort to #2...with different strategies. i'm extremely plain. i'm not pretty, i have no time for makeup, i dont embrace my "curves", i go out in tshirts n jeans all the time, i dont have an assortment of colourful shoes/jewelery/handbags to match every outfit or go to salons to get my hair done/treated, i dont have daddy issues and i am most definitely not cute or charming or ayu as the malays say it that can make your heart melt at first sight.

and yet, i am considered to be intimidating. i know too much for my own good, most of my closest friends are guys [and straight mind you], i own a lot of gadgets that most guys would dream of having [i play the ps2, psp, ps3, etc u name it! not so very typical malay girl no?], i think girls owning gadgets but knowing shit about the fundamentals of its existence are ignorant and i'd marry a guy in this country who knows pablo neruda or che guevara [i despise people wearing che guevara tshirts and not knowing who he is; which suprisingly in this country, comprises of most people i meet]...and above all i am not a damsel in distress. i figure out my own problems.

seeing that all of the above is a violation to the law of attraction, i will try to be a different me. why be myself when it can lead to me ending up as another susan boyle? at least she's got a voice to redeem herself. what do i have? brains? bah humbug. feed them to the dogs.